Where Is The Love?

Romance is dead
is what they said
while sittin around cheating at pool
The very last frame
of this nine ball game
the cat who had the date
on the top of the empire state
is the one who got hustled
like a fool

"They say chivalry is dead. I think it just has the flu!" - Meg Ryan

This time that I've been without a 9-5, has been a blessing in that I've been allowed to be still. I don't have to do the early morning shuffle to the plantation (a family friend's nickname for the job site), nor skate around the office building fulfilling end user's every request. No longer am I beaten down by the battle that is enduring MTA rush hour traffic at the city's work dismissal time. I've virtually stopped all the hustle and bustle and listened. I've had time to catch up with my gurls during hours-long conversations and head to the library to hsee what topics people are writing about these days and what they call a "good read." I've sat still and caught all the new shows on television. In other words, I've been paying attention to the world. What I've been able to infer is: people feel that love is dead!

For the first time in the history of this country, there are more single (including divorcees) than married people. The only show on network television that starred an African-American family, Everybody Hates Chris, has been cancelled. It seems that even Hollywood has veered away from showcasing wholesome families, which is supposed to be indicative of the pulse of our country. Reality TV and all its "if you can outlast every person in this obstacle course, I will give you a rose and I'll have fallen in love with you" are ruining the essence of what love truly is.  If you're paying attention to these outlets such as TV, it would appear that there is a void of love in this world.

Now, I cannot use personal experiences to combat that statement because my last date was...well does the phrase "One small step for man, one giant step for mankind" give you an idea of the time period? My dating history reads more like a haiku than a story; I really wouldn't need all 17 syllables either. It's not because I've been hurt, which I have (that's a different blog post). I just don't feel like I've come across that guy yet. The guy I want to "happily ever after," or even "happily until the wine wears off." I've never been into dating as a sport. Insert all my homegurl's scoldings and badgering comments here __________________.  Just seems like a waste of time to continuously go out, trying men out like pairs of shoes, to see which one fits best. 

The one thing I don't do, and I encourage my single friends to prohibit themselves from doing, is saying love doesn't exist because I haven't found the Prince Charming yet. A lot of times, we're looking for this perfect person - I'm guilty of doing that myself. That I can tell you does not exist. I read an article about the Guiness Book of Record's longest married couple. Married 85 years, as of May, 2009, Zelmyra Fisher only had these kinds words to describe the first introduction to her husband Herbert, "He was nice to me." She said that's what made her marry him.

I do believe that love lurks in the atmosphere around us, just waiting for it's next victims to pounce on and attack. My entire faith base is supported by my belief that God so loved the world and thought enough of us to give his only begotten son. He created a love so strong that eventhough I sin daily, He forgives all my transgressions from yesterday, and today allowed me to start anew. To me, that's the greatest testament to the power and existence of love. I have been witness to the great power of love's charge. 

I remember years ago, when I lived in Brooklyn, my grandmother used to be the home aide for this elderly woman, Mrs. Williams, a few days a week.  Mrs. Williams lived with her husband in the same development where we lived.  She was in her late 80s-early 90s, had gone blind from glaucoma (I believe), had lost all control of her bowel and urinary movements so she wore sanitary undergarments which constantly needed changing, she spoke only a few words in hushed tones, Alzheimer's had left her with only bits and pieces of the memories of her life or people most important to her, and had to be carried because she was too weak to walk.  Her husband Mr. Williams was a 90-something-year-old, 6'0" tall man, who, despite time not being on  his side, still drove his car everyday and went to work for the majority of the week (hence the need for there to be someone to care for his wife).  By listening to Mr. Williams speak about his wife, one would never know that most of the time, she didn't even recognize him.  With all her ailments and just the toll time had taken on her body, he still spoke of her like she was a covergirl.  He still used terms of endearment like "Mama" and would say things like "She's still just as beautiful as the day I married her."  When he was home during my grandmother's visits, he'd watch her and tell my grandmother, "Uh, make sure you be gentle Mrs. Burton.  Mama doesn't like her hair brushed that way...don't do it too hard...put this dress on her, she looks so pretty in that dress."  They'd been married about 70+ years.  In his eyes, it was as if he were just courting her all those years ago.  He said he felt that same spark in his heart for her that he did when they first met.

Even before love has matured and has the staying power of lasting generations like the Williams', you have puppy love.  The wonderful feeling that comes to those who are young in mind and age and who are ignorant of life's hardships.  When we first started dating, my high school sweetheart would write me letters just about every period.  And eventhough there were only 3 minutes between each school period, we'd HAVE to meet each other at one of our lockers or the restrooms or the stairwell just to see the other's smile or maybe steal a kiss.  Afterschool, we'd seperate so that we may attend sports practice but by dinnertime, we'd reconvene at the cafeteria hall because it'd been hours since we were together last.  As the years went on, we weren't always together but we didn't have to be.  Because whenever I'd see him, I still feel that jump in my heart that I felt from the very beginnging.

I was in Times Square this week and I walked past a teenage couple.  We were walking towards each other and I couldn't tell how old they were because I couldn't see their faces that well.  But I knew they must have been teens because it was written all over the young lady's face.  Her arm was linked into his and she was looking up at him with such contentment, like what he was saying was so profound.  She was smiling from ear-to-ear, wearing that puppy love grin I wore so many times years ago.  I know the look.  Ahh Puppy Love: When she feels like he's the greatest being in the world and he doesn't want anyone to say anything bad about her - not even Mom or Dad - and they both think they're going to be together forever.  He was holding a couple of Happy Birthday balloons and carrying take-out from a restaurant.  If they knew how fast that time moves, they'd want to walk in slow motion and hold on to those moments.  Once they actually walked by and I could see the glow beaming off of them up close, I got a little misty, wishing I could have that good, innocent time back.  "Enjoy it kids!" my heart was screaming at them.  

I don't believe that people actually question if love really exists or where to find it. The million dollar question is: How the hell do you stay in love?

The only way to maintain love is for both parties to work on it.  I always say relationships are such hard work because it's taking two lives and welding them into one.  No two people are alike and as long as you live, your feelings, thoughts and emotions will constantly change...sometimes about the one you love.  I can remember sitting through countless football games with an ex of mine.  I didn't even understand the game.  I was more of a Superbowl commercial-watcher than a fan of the sport.  But it was something he liked to do on lazy Sunday afternoons, so I thought once in a while, I could enjoy it with him.  Plus who doesn't like to see buff guys in tights beat the hell out of each other?  I'd go on trips with my little brothers and their camps every summer.  Did I not have anything else to do with my summer than going to see the Reptile House at the Bronx Zoo again, or visit Lady Liberty for the 1,000th time since my childhood?  Of course I did.  But I knew they loved having me there.  Plus, they could syphon money out of me for souvenirs and junk food at the concession stands.  I absolutely abhor being the first to apologize after an argument, especially when I know I'm right...which is most of the time, lol.  But have I done it in the name of love?  Sadly, yes!  The benefits received from doing those simple things for the man I loved, or the brothers I love as my own children, were astronomical. 

One thing I did realize while in love was that I was so glad I got a chance to know and love myself first before I entered a relationship.  Lots of times we neglect getting to know the man in the mirror first.  Get to know you and what you like, be ok with being by yourself.  Date you!  Whenever I feel like it, I go to the mall or movies or even to dinner by myself.  It's wonderful to enjoy a nice seafood dinner and not be bogged down with a dinner partner's meaningless conversation.  Kind of difficult to savor good calamari AND pretend to be interested in what someone's talking about.  You must learn about yourself and your dislikes, turn-offs, wants, dreams, etc. before you can begin to take interest in someone else.  Only then will you know what you will and will not tolerate from someone else.  You'll know what you deserve and what you're worth!  Soooo important.

Once you've gotten to know you, learn about and listen to the other person.  I've never been in a relationship with a person who I just met.  We've always been friends for months, sometimes years, before beginning a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.  By the time we'd fallen in love, we already had love for each other.  I could tell you a boyfriend's favorite things, something about his family, finish his sentences and vice versa.  Courting makes for a  stronger bond.  You will also find out if you and this person should or should not be with each other.  Maybe your views are too different, you don't want the same things.  Find out these things before investing your time and your heart.

Where is the love?  Wherever we make it.  We spend a lot of time looking for love that we already have.  Maybe you haven't met Mr. Right yet.  But you have a great relationship with your family.  You and your mother have a tight bond, you have a wonderful set of friends or just one or two good friends you've been close with for years.  Love comes in so many forms in this life.  A lot of times we neglect to cherish the love that's already around us. 

Learning to compromise, forgive and love someone as you love yourself are sometimes the hardest things to do. But they're the ingredients to perfecting and keeping a relationship.  Even when we do these things doesn't always mean we'll get to meet the person we're made for or have a relationship that lasts long enough to get you in the Guiness Book of Records.  But you will be prepared for when s/he shows up.

Just some reflections from my heart. Love is contagious, spread it!
~ Ms. P